


The life you have always wanted

by otherworldlymortal



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-02-17 12:32:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2309783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otherworldlymortal/pseuds/otherworldlymortal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you are never enough, there is only so much you can do...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: it may contain spoilers for season 4

 

 

It is Elsa that helps her make the decision – or rather, make her realize that she decided a long time ago, back when Henry’s words ripped her already battered heart apart. She just needed an opportunity, a push that will overcome foolishly remaining doubts and hopes.

 

At first she planned to cross the townline and move to one of those great big cities – to a place as different from Storybrooke as possible.  To a place where every little thing would not remind her that noone ever will choose her for herself, that she will be never enough, worth fighting for. As far away as possible from the town where every person sees her only as a sum of her mistakes, a walking danger, a bomb that could go off any minute and destroy everything they hold dear, where the best she could be for them is absent – not dead, because that would taint their precious souls, just nonexistent.  It is not like she does not understand that. _Who in their right mind would want meeting the infamous Evil Queen while doing shopping or drinking in a bar?_ Still, there was a time when she believed she could put the past behind her, a stupid thought that saving everyone more than once would mean that there is a hope for happy ending even for her.

 

 

She still remembers the sheer joy and overwhelming love she felt that day at the docks. Putting the last touches to the nearly finished book, she saw the scene clearly before her eyes: Henry’s eyes, so happy, so full of unconditional love, the kiss that made her believe she was the mother he always wanted, his meeting with Robin… It was the talk that happened right after which gave her an idea to move. She wanted to see all to things her son was talking about, experience life he had there – and later she thought it could be the only thing that she would allow to connect her to a life she left behind. But as she started to make preparations – not that she would admit it to herself at the time; then, it was just an idea which was helping her to focus on issues connected with Elsa’s arrival – she realized she would not be granted even that comfort. Her usual responses to heartbreak were not exactly rational and thought through so in a strange way she was glad that at the time she was just too numb to act. Then she would leave a son with a feeling of guilt and betrayal at the same time for a place where she did not have any reasonable ways to support herself or even get around, not in the long run.

 

 

The clock strikes three and she realizes she spent almost whole day on that book. _As if it really needed it._ She started on it a few days ago and normally she would have finished it already but she recognized easily what was holding her back - the foolish emotion she could not completely rip out from her heart. _Hope._ Hope that maybe… Maybe… But Henry called her only once and the whole conversation was about an amazing time he was having with the Charmings, all the new tricks he learned from ‘Killian’, that ‘Mom’ finally starts to grasp the general idea of proper baking... She concludes she should be glad. This is exactly what she was aiming for when she made her decision but a selfish part of her wished that Henry would see her through. _The True Love kiss cannot lie, can it?_ _True Love is the most powerful magic of all._ At the time she believed it with her whole heart. Her then naive, innocent, pure heart. But now she knows better. With True Love Kiss you can break any curse but it will not grant you a happy ending. _But now I have a chance to provide it to Henry._ _And this is all that matters._

 

 

She takes the book and her purse. She could probably try to use magic but it was still unpredictable at times, not dark but not light either. Resembling her heart, she thinks. And that is another choice she stands before. After defeating Zelena she thought she could embrace that change, she was more than ready for it.  For one perfect evening she believed she could have it all – love, happiness, forgiveness. Family.   _Second chance._ Moments later everything came crashing down.

 

 

Walking through the city is quite an ordeal these days. Even though she tries very hard not to, sometimes she gets a glimpse of Robin – with his son, alone or with Her. It is a relief, really, that he never approaches her on those occasions. The other ones were enough and as heartbreaking as it gets. She takes comfort in the fact that in a few days all of this will not matter. She will hopefully find peace.

 

 

_It is time to set things in motion._ And she knocks on Dr. Hopper doors.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

“You cannot be serious!”

 

It surprises her she is still able to feel such a glee simply because she managed to throw off balance the ever undisturbed Cricket. The emotion is gone as soon as it appeared but it is the most alive she felt in a long time and her heart beats harder and faster… She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, willing herself to stay calm, focused on the task that is ahead of her. It gets easier every time she does that but then, usually she is all alone so meeting a concerned gaze of Dr. Hopper startles her a bit.  When she answers, however, her voice does not falter even a little.

 

“I assure you, there were few times in my life when I was just as serious. My decision is final, the only question is, will you help me? You know asking was never my strong suit. It puts me in a position of being dependable on someone, exposed to rejection and, frankly, I have quite enough of it already. But this… I know you are in no way obliged to aid me but I…”

 

_It is harder than I thought._ She clears her throat, straightens nonexistent wrinkles on her skirt and continues.

 

“I believe that you will keep it a secret and not betray my trust, not again.”

 

Silence fills the room. Not wanting to meet his eyes, she starts to examine the room. _So many hours spent here, so much effort. At the time I really believed I could do better. For Henry…_ For the umpteenth time she curses her resilient heart. If it were for anyone else, Snow’s words would apply, but happiness is not in cards for her. She should have learned that lesson a long time ago.

 

She wants him to say something. Either to throw her out, laugh at her and yell that he would never help a monster like her – even though deep down she knows he would never do such a thing – or agree at spot, eager to get rid of the Evil Queen once and for all. _And in a way which ensures noone’s heart acquires an interesting spot of blackness_. The image of her mother’s last moments stands before her eyes.

 

“Regina…”

 

His voice is so full of pity she cannot breathe. She does not want that, does not deserve it. She came here because she could not wait no longer, she was afraid that the more she postponed the execution of her plan, the less able she would be to go through with this. And, either way, she has less and less time to do it anyway.

 

“When you came here so composed and calm, for a second I thought you removed your heart to be able to achieve that.”

 

A wave of betrayal hits her hard as her hand involuntarily goes to her chest.

 

“Did Snow tell you…?”

 

She stops herself when she sees something flickers in his eyes.

 

“So you tried to do that back in the Enchanted Forest. I suspected as much. Why did you not go through with it?

 

Excruciating pain, terrible loneliness and hopelessness. She is immediately transported back to that first day back when she felt like nothing would ever be right. Her son’s last words to her, the same ones she would have given everything to hear before, rung in her ears again and again. _If only she was a better mother then… If only…_ The pain was unbearable so as soon as was able, she sneaked away. The first moment her heart left her body brought her so much relief she almost fell. She knew then what she needed to do in order to function and be of any help to the Charmings. And that was how Snow found her.

 

“My stepdaughter was obnoxious as always. She would not leave me alone and I knew that unless I crushed my own heart right there and got it over with, she would find a way to make me do as she wished. So I caved…”

 

They both know she is lying. But he does not say the word, just lets her reminiscence and come the only possible conclusion – that even then her stupidly resilient heart clung to the lasts shreds of hope and did not let her give up. That somehow, some part of her believed Snow when she reassured her she would be able to feel something more. _Damn Snow and her infuriating optimism._ For she managed to feel something more. _Robin…_ But she does not allow herself to go that way.

 

She tries to smirk.

 

 “You got better at this, Dr. Hopper. Just sitting here and letting me do all the talking and thinking and somehow it goes just the way you want it to.”

 

He sighs and for a few moments studies her with patient, open eyes.

 

“Look around you a bit closer, will you? Just observe as if it was happening to somebody else. And if you think you are able to, come here so we can talk. I will not try to dissuade you from what you decide and I will help you any way I can but, please, humour me in this one.”

 

She does not know what to say, so she just nods, gets up quickly, and taking one last look at the book lying on the table, she leaves the apartment.

 

She still has a lot to prepare.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: it may contain spoilers for season 4, although the more I hear about it, the more AU this story becomes.

 

She wishes the streets were empty. Not so long ago she could wander around the town and there was hardly anyone outside. Was is for the sudden and at the time inexplicable chill, the fear of the unknown threat that was looming around them or they simply decided that sticking to their cursed memories and jobs was not worth it anymore? She did not really care. Now, she sees that it was better that way. There were no stares, no whispering, quiet enough so that she knew they did not want her to hear them, but loud enough for her to actually realize she was the topic of their hushed conversations. She is used to contempt, hate and fear almost as much as to being left behind, lonely and hopeless and yet the second option seems now as a better one. She needs her anger to deal with others wrath and that emotion left her unnoticed, leaving in its wake emptiness and despair.

 

_Like a thief…_

 

Her heart skips a beat and continues in a slight faster face, albeit in a labored, tired way as if it was not strong enough for her body. The first few times it happened, she did not know what to do, now she simply concentrates on breathing evenly and reaches out to the hollow feeling inside of her in a practiced way that would have scared her before.

 

The sound of a laughter, free and true, brings her back to the sunny street. They are far from her and cannot see her but there is no mistaking the happy family. She used to hear that laughter every day, most of the time she was the cause of it, back then when she was the mother Henry wanted, when she was the most important person in his small, loving universe. She sees her son talking animatedly to Snow who looks tired – she remembers how exhausted she was when Henry was that small, more often than not falling asleep in a chair next to his crib – but happy, elated even. Next to her Charming, with one arm around her, the other one pushing the stroller with the newest addition to their perfect family. She watches Henry hovering over little Neal, making funny faces, laughing…

 

_Like a proper older brother, not nephew…_

 

She never really ponders on Charmings’ strange family tree, it is a perfect way to grand her a headache but times like these reaffirm her that she is doing the right thing. She wants her son to be able to be that cheerful and carefree every day without having to worry about her, whether or not she will do something wrong or get crushed once again. _All that matters is Henry._ Though now she reckons she can add Snow to the short list of people she wishes happiness. _Snow and…_

 

She is glad they did not see her. The meeting would undoubtedly lead to extremely uncomfortable conversation, half-hearted inquires about how she is holding up, exclamations how glad they are to see her and “One of these days you must really visit us” polite lies. And she slows down enough so that it does not look like she is avoiding them – her pride is all she has left – and watches as they disappear around the corner.

 

Only then she resumes her pace and in no time she is entering Granny’s Diner. She cannot understand why Elsa decided to stay in there. She would rather sleep in the car than deal with Granny every single day but then Elsa managed to get quite a few friends in town. Of course, at first it did not seem possible, she appeared to be just another threat to Storybrooke’s peaceful existence. _As if Miss Swan journey to the past was not enough for this month._ She is now in a place where thinking about Emma did not make her want for a whole world to disappear or burn alongside her bleeding heart but it does not mean she can say she is able to forgive her. The feeling of betrayal so deep that even her condition cannot make it disappear.

 

Her entrance makes people stop talking. Just like on the streets some stare at her with hatred, pity or this unreadable expression she sees more and more every day, some try to avert her gaze as if she could curse them just by looking at them. _Which is true, even though I do have no will nor energy to do so._ She catches Granny’s eyes, tilts her head in what she hope is a polite manner and goes further.

 

It is time to talk with Elsa.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: AU after S3 finale although it may contain spoilers for s4 and tiny bit of OUaTiW.

 

 

„There is not much time left. Will says…”

 

She is stopped by the look in her eyes. As if she did not know, as if she did not count the days. _Everything is almost ready. Now the time has come to the most difficult parts – The Talks and The Ending._

 

“This is a nice place. At first I could not find myself in it, everything is so different from Arendelle. And the worry about Anna, what is happening to her, if she is all right. It is not easy. But… “

 

Elsa gets silent for a moment. Her eyes become this deep shade of blue she now recognizes as “I miss my family” emotion. It sometimes surprised her how quickly they managed to connect. Their stories are somewhat similar, it is true, but if that was the only factor, she would have found a far more easier companion in Miss Swan. It helps she never exactly did anything to hurt her or use her – that honour goes to Rumplestiltskin.  But the strangest part is – Elsa gets her and she thinks she can say the same thing. She understands guilt, loneliness, betrayal. They never even really needed to talk about her plans before but that is clearly going to change.

 

“As much as I could like it here, I did not choose to be there. And people I love and care about are far away from me. My kingdom is missing a queen. I once made a mistake thinking they will be better off without me. I let emotions rule me, I thought of my magic as of a source of my misery and that having it made me evil. I never wanted it but I hurt people. So I ran away scared and locked myself up in a place I thought noone would find me. Not that I ever believed someone would want to…

 

My point is, I see you trying to prepare, make sure everything will go the way you think everyone have a chance to be content and at peace. But you cannot know that. You have every right to decide what to do with your life but it has to be your decision. You cannot put it on others.”

 

She wants to say something but she does not know what. She feels with her whole being that she is  making the right choice, that the plan will work the way she intended. But even though she wants very badly, she cannot shut out her heart completely and there among the darkness, heartbreak, pain and emptiness that just wait to consume her, there is this small but invincible feeling that makes her doubt. _Like a candle in the darkness. They say darkness cannot win but the truth is it does not have to. The light may have its small victory, its space where the darkness cannot enter… But it can be and it is all around. One candle is not able to lighten the whole forest, it just makes easier for beasts to find you._

“I accepted that you did not want to do anything about your heart even if I do not agree with it. But I think you should do the same. And if you really want to go, then I will be more than happy for you and because of it. I was not joking when I said I could use help.“

 

She can tell her it is not the same. Henry told her he managed to watch _Frozen_ with Elsa at one point – how her son managed to make her do this, she will never understand – and from what she gathered it was quite faithful to the real story. And so she knew their stories were not as similar as Elsa made them to be. That there are pretty good reasons she is and always will be the Evil Queen for all the people who know her. But she does not need to even open her mouth, explain it, try for her to see the reason…

 

“There are three days left. As I said, the decision is yours and I will support it. And I will help you with the spell. We can meet tomorrow and check if it works the way it is supposed to. I just hope you know…”

 

She looks at her with a gentle smile as if trying to fill her tired heart with hope and understanding.

 

“If you do change your mind, I am really happy we met.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU after S3 finale although it contains spoilers for S4

The first ones are Granny’s. She looks at her without blinking, her gaze steady, calm, not openly hostile but not warm either. In Ruby’s eyes, smiling seconds before while talking to a customer, is now this strange look she has gotten used to over last few weeks. She still does not know what it means but she feels numb enough not to care. Then there is Steve, a young guy helping at the florist. She has no idea who he was back in the Enchanted Forest but she remembers perfectly well how good he was with creating bouquets and how happy he was every time someone praised him for it. There is noone brought to Storybrooke with the First Curse she does not know. _Twenty eight years in a limbo would do that to a person._ His stare is so full of pity it takes most of her energy not to avert her eyes. Fear, wrath, anger, sadness, malice, envy, curiosity, pity, this other look … 

There are so many of them, too many, too complicated. But she never backed down from a challenge so when she is walking down the street, she keeps her back straight, her step even and sure while meeting town citizens’ eyes. Most of them are surprised, lately she made sure rarely to look at them, wanting to show them she is above all of this, all of them and nothing could hurt her. Gossip spread very fast after that fateful night at the diner, her locking herself up in a manor for a few days did not help so she needed all of her armour to get through the days without lashing out or breaking down. The temptation to hurt people, to hurt, get rid of Her was great… It still is, nothing, not even the numbness that spreads through her body can make it disappear. She reckons it is a good thing that by the time of their confrontation with Elsa her heart was mostly filled with grief, hopelessness and heartbreak, otherwise now she would be walking throughout a pile of ashes, the remains of building and constructions mixed with crushed hearts and lifeless bodies. And she would not be able to carry on with her plan, to even think about anyone else but herself, her pain, her destroyed future.

_Who would have thought that sadness could save lives? And that the Evil Queen could provide happy endings?_

She needs to talk with her mother’s ex-Knave but that can wait. It came as a surprise how at ease she feels in his company. He was wary of her at the beginning and she did not give him a second thought till he realized she was Cora’s daughter. She clearly remembers her nearly hysterical laughter after he accused her of being related to a person who corrupted his love. It was like a rotten cherry on the hellish top of her life. He came to her later that day, not with apology “if you are waiting for “I’m sorry”, prepare for a really long wait” but with explanation. There is a first time for everything they say and so she heard he was just surprised she managed to come around having been raised by the likes of her mother. She did not know whether to feel offended or patronized by the statement but the following dispute made her feel almost normal for awhile, an experience she welcomed, not having it in a long time. The fact that he was apparently at odds with the leader of Merry Man certainly helped them interact. He knew better than to mention him and she never asked what happened between the two of them.

The long walk may give her time to think one more time about the preparations, whether she missed some important details, did not considered every single consequence she might have thought of. There is a long road between the diner and the stables but she needs to see it one more time anyway and it will be better if she does not leave it for the last moment or she might not be able to part with it in time. 

The storm is heading towards the town with heavy dark clouds and a chilling wind. The further she goes, the less people she sees on the streets, probably afraid of what the nature might bring this time. Since Elsa’s appearance the weather has been completely unpredictable, heat waves intermingling with blizzards and storms. It calmed down a bit with them teaching her how to control her powers but every now and then the elements remind them what happens when you meddle with them. It appears as this day is no exception.

By the time she reaches the stables, it gets dark, her body trembles from the cold and she feels first big drops of rain on her face. Inside is it surprisingly calm, the animals probably used to the strange happenings. The only one with a turmoil inside was her. _Daniel._ The tears in her eyed, heart pierced with a haunting pain and despair…

“I came to say goodbye. For real this time. You were the only one who never chose to abandon me. I suppose you were never given a chance. Would you hate me as well if you saw what I became? Could you love a monster?”

She does not notice tears running down her face until she tastes salty water on her mouth. The sobs wreaking her body make it almost impossible to stand still but she is tired on being on her knees all the time, crying and despairing.

“I loved again. Is it a betrayal to your memory? Or was it everything I have done? What would you tell me if you knew? If you held my dark heart in your hands, would you crush it so that I could never hurt anyone again? 

It would be easier if I thought you would. But heroes are not like that. They do not exact vengeance, do not kill people even if it would make their life less difficult and more happy. That is where villains like me come.”

Her heart beats fast now, sending waves of freezing pain through her body, fighting with every fiber of her being with the emptiness and numbness that are confining her.

“There were few things that were right in my life – you, my father, saving that little girl and my son. And that is why I must do it. I have to give him a family, a good life he always craved for. He is happy now but there is one thing that is burdening him. And I need to make sure it will not, ever again.

I may not be in love with you anymore but I will always love you. Thank you for giving me strength. I hope you would be proud of me, for once doing the right thing when there is nothing for me in it. Thank you and goodbye.”

_Goodbye Daniel…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading


End file.
